Battle Lost and Won
by Lirulin
Summary: Halloween 1981. James' POV on the last day of his life. What's going through his head just before the attack on Godric's Hollow? What's he feeling?


**Battle Lost and Won**

_By Lirulin_

**Disclaimer: **Nothing in here belongs to me. Everything's property of J.K.Rowling and I'm just borrowing it.

I've written this last night, between two and three o'clock, after a plot-bunny hopped into my head and demanded to be put on paper. This is dedicated to emerald princess3. I really love talking to you, Emmy!

I know that what I wrote about the Bones' family is not right, but I only found out after I'd written it and didn't want to change it, so bear with me. It fits nicely though.

So, have fun with it!

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**October 31st, 1981**

Somehow I've been on edge the whole day. I don't know what's wrong, but something seems to be off.

If I could just figure out what it is! I can't put my finger on it and it's driving me nuts!

Everything was normal today.

I got up, had breakfast with Lily and Harry, with Harry knocking over his milk bottle and creating a mess on the kichen floor.

I'm sure he did it on purpose, because he didn't like the mashed oat cakes Lily was trying to feed him. And I can completely understand that. Who likes this stuff? He's really just like me.

I'm so proud of him! He'll surely continue the tradition of marauding at Hogwarts and I'll teach him everything I know – when Lily is not listening. She doesn't like it when I tell Harry about the stunts we pulled.

She says Sirius is a bad enough influence. I say it's great that he's Harry's godfather. Two of the greatest pranksters ever to teach him the art of mischief-making! I can't wait for him to become older!

I mean, he's a very bright little boy and understands everything we tell him, but he can't yet do very much.

I wanted to buy him a toy-broom in Diagon Alley two weeks ago, but Lily said that it is too dangerous and that he's still too young. She can be such a spoil-sport sometimes!

I bought it anyway, when she went into Flourish & Blotts, and I'm just waiting for the right moment to give it to Harry.

He'll be a star Quidditch player one day, just like me. He already likes playing with the Snitch. I still have the one I nicked back in 5th year and because of its age, it has lost most of its speed. Harry's really good at catching it and I see my talent in him...

888

Sirius came by this afternoon and we had a really great time playing with Harry.

He adores his godfather and it's so sweet to watch him stumbling everywhere after Sirius, calling "Pa'foo, Pa'foo".

He just started walking a few weeks ago and is still a bit unsteady.

Well, Harry was quite tired out after some time and Lily took him up to take a nap.

The mood turned quite somber after that.

Voldemort is doing more horrible things every day, wreaking havoc all around the country.

We haven't been out very much since we went under the Fidelius Charm last week, and I feel fairly cut off from everything.

Sirius told us that the Bones had been murdered just last night. Everything's so horrible, killings every day..

We knew them, they were such good people, had a daughter about Harry's age, Susan I think. She luckily wasn't in the house at the time, so she survived. She's going to live with her aunt, Amelia, now. Poor girl! Having to grow up without her parents ...

888

I feel caged in here.

I want to go out, I want to fight, I want to help the Order in every which way possible.

But Albus said it's too dangerous. He said that as Voldemort specifically targeted us, we should do nothing to endanger our or Harry's lives.

And I have to admit that he's right.

I don't know what I'd do if something happened to Lily or Harry. I think I'd go mad. They're the most important people in the world for me and I couldn't live without them.

That's also the reason we decided on using the Fidelius Charm. We wanted to protect Harry ...

Now, why do I get so nervous when I think about this issue?

It's especially bad today.

I have this mad urge to take Lily and Harry and run!

What's wrong with me?

Everything's normal.

Sirius left about an hour ago, saying he'd stop by at Peter's to see if he was alright.

Perhaps this is what has me so on edge.

Since yesterday I'm having serious doubts if we made the right choice with our secret-keeper.

I know it's ridiculous, but I can't help it.

There's this nagging thought, saying we should have taken Sirius, like we originally intended to ...

But his arguments were so reasonable!

Of course, everyone would know that he would be the obvious choice. Everyone knows we're best friends, as close as brothers.

But no one would think of Peter. He's often overlooked, likes to hide himself. It would be the perfect bluff!

Sirius was so convinced of his plan and I felt very sure about it, too, but at the moment ...

There's this great feeling of unrest inside me. I don't know what to do.

I hope Sirius calls in again soon, to say that everything's alright with Peter ...

888

Why can't I stop this pacing? I'm running circles in the living room, somehow I can't sit still ...

It's already dark outside. Halloween. We always loved it at school. The things you can do with pumpkins ...

I can't help glancing out of the windows. Of course there's nothing out there, and even if someone came by, they couldn't see us.

The Fidelius Charm is the safest thing to hide someone.

We're perfectly safe, Lily is in the kitchen, giving Harry his bed-time bottle and then he's going to sleep. We'll sit together for a while, talking or reading and then we'll go to bed. And tomorrow Sirius will come by, telling us what he's done to tease Moody again ...

Everything's just normal ...

So why do I feel as if an icy-cold hand has suddenly clasped itself around my heart?

I almost can't breathe!

I have to see Lily, so I storm into the kitchen.

She looks up at me, confusion clearly written on her face.

"James! What's wrong? You look deathly pale!"

I don't know what to say, I'm completely speechless. She puts Harry into his high chair and comes over to me, taking me into her arms.

"James! Please talk to me!"

I feel a bit better now, here with her, but there's still this uneasiness, this nervousness.

"I don't know, Lily. I have this strange feeling. I just had to see you and Harry. You know, I love you so much, both of you, more than anything else in the world."

"James! Why are you saying it like this, like something's going to happen? We're safe here, you know that!"

"Yeah, I know, but ..."

"No buts! You're just fretting because of what Sirius told us about the Bones. Everything's alright. Now go back to the living room. I'll finish with Harry and bring him to bed. Then I'll come and we can talk some more."

I give her a quick kiss and head out of the door.

"I love you too, James."

888

Now I have resumed my pacing.

The feeling won't go away, on the contrary, it's increasing.

It's pitch black outside, not a star on the sky and it feels as if our doom is approaching.

This is so terrible. I hate this feeling of helplessness ...

Perhaps we should go to Hogwarts, just for the night. We have an emergency portkey on the mantelpiece over the fireplace and Albus surely wouldn't mind ...

I can hear Lily going up the stairs, bringing Harry to bed. She'll be here soon, perhaps she can sooth my worries ...

Why is Sirius taking so long? He said he'd fire call us when he talked to Peter. It simply cannot take him that long!

What's wrong?

I feel so cold inside and I'm suddenly filled with an indescribable dread.

I've never felt so utterly helpless and lost in my entire life ...

Lily is coming down now, going into the kitchen again, probably to make us some tea ...

It's too late!

I know it!

I rush into our hall ...

Suddenly there's a knock on the door and for a moment everything freezes.

I know with terrifying clarity who it is ...

There's a loud bang and the door is blown out of its hinges.

And in steps our worst nightmare, clad in robes so black that they seem to absorb the light, eyes gleaming blood-red.

"Lily! Take Harry and run! It's him! I try to hold him off!"

I hear her panicked scream, then her footsteps rushing up the stairs ...

888

So, this is it.

I know I stand no chance against him, but I won't go down without a fight. I'll be a Gryffindor to the very end.

Somehow I can't help my thoughts running.

If I'd just listened to my feelings! If we'd just taken Sirius and not Peter!

He is the spy! And we never even suspected ...

Now it's too late.

I hope Lily gets away somehow. I don't want her to die. I don't want Harry to die, my dear little baby boy ...

I'll do anything to protect them ...

Voldemort is now flinging a curse at me and I barely manage to dodge it. I try to retaliate, but it doesn't even hit him.

I don't care. Anything to buy Lily some time ...

I know I'll die now.

I'm not afraid.

I just regret deeply that I won't be there to see Harry grow up. I won't be there when he rides his broomstick for the first time. I won't be there when he gets his Hogwarts letter and I really regret it. I'm so sorry Harry and I love you so much, my son! I hope you never forget that ...

Voldemort's talking, but I couldn't care less about what the bastard has to say. He probably wants me to make way or some such nonsense... As if! I'll never back down! I don't fear him and even in this moment, facing certain death, I'll not flinch or cower in fright. I won't give him the pleasure ...

He's angry now. Not used to people standing up to him. Well, that's his problem! He can't win all the time. I'm sure we will destroy him someday, the bad guys never win in the end, and oddly enough, this thought comforts me.

Even if I die now, Voldemort will not prevail. I know it. I have to grin at that.

"You'll lose!"

He laughs at that. A cold, cruel laugh that chills you to the bone, but I don't care anymore.

I'm completely calm now.

Perhaps this is my destiny.

Goodbye Lily, Harry, I love you ...

He utters the two words that you can only hear once in your lifetime ...

I see the green light rushing towards me ...

**THE END

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I hope you liked it! Please tell me what you think about it! I'm happy about every review!**


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